Did you know before getting married that marriage was hard?
Did you grow up with the classic fairy tales that end in ‘and they lived happily ever after…’?
I did! And i really never sat to think of the specifics of life after the wedding day or night.
Nor that the arrival of kids, that we so much love, brings with it a huge adjustment period.
From the 6 billion people in the world, why do we pick someone that’s so different from us? Because we fall in love! Because we see in the other person what we want and don’t have in that given moment. Because sex is great, and because our partner will do anything to please us!
Years pass, we change, our needs change, our identity changes and we want different things. What often happens is that we keep on expecting our couple to satisfy the needs we have and we forget that we are responsible to take care of them! It’s a habit to just keep on blaming the other person for what goes wrong in our lives.
In the States, 50% of marriages end in divorce…50%! Where I am in Northern Italy, and where I often go, in Lima, couples are separating too quickly, too easily.
I think it’s a common thing now so it’s more accepted, more of an option. Couples that you think were solid as a rock, go under and so, it’s not so bad!
I think the key points to keep in mind for a long lasting, healthy marriage are:
- Remember who you fell in love with. If you build on a solid base and some floors crawl down, but the base stays solid, it’s easier to rebuild on it.
- Have common goals for the future. What do you like and want to do together? Start to learn a sport, travel to a special place (alone!), get a house in the beach, in the mountains….
- Date! Spend money on baby sitters if you have to! One of my clients just told me that before having kids, him and his now wife would go to the movies twice a week. Last time they’ve been to the movies was three years ago with their three kids!I talk from experience on this one. Claudio and I make a point of going out even for an aperitivo, but alone him and I! When we first started doing it, if often happened that we argued…we weren’t used to being alone with free time!
- Know that a relationship is cyclical. Enjoy the good times and work hard on the bad ones. You are a different person now and the person you’re married to is also different. It’s like if you remarried again…ten years later, and some arguments later.
- Take responsibility for your actions. Say I’m sorry, LISTEN to what your couple is telling you, ask for what you want. Give first and you’ll get back!
- DON’T GIVE UP! It’s a choice to stay together. And both players have to want it as much. We see the neighbors grass is always greener….uh uh, they also have their issues and they also hurt each other sometimes. Every situation passes, you just have to be clear on how much you want to stay in the relationship.
- Let go of things. As with kids, pick your battles! How many arguments can you avoid if you just let some things go instead of getting into the knitty gritty you said, I said….uff…no time for that!
- Get help if you are in a negative loop you cannot get out of by yourself. Going to a professional marriage counselor helps to put things in perspective and avoids pointing fingers and blames. Just the declaration of saying to yourselves, I don’t know what to do anymore, but I care so much about my relationship that I want to do anything I can to make it work, is half of the work done.
- No headaches allowed when it comes to sex! Remember how lazy you feel before getting yourself to the gym and then when you finally go you feel great you did it? Well, does this tell you something about having sex? Don’t let long periods of time pass by without making love to your man.
- Create rituals that are only yours and guarantee some connection during the day. For example one of ours is to not go to sleep without kissing each other good night. Or the good morning kiss with some physical contact. A caress on the head, touch hands, anything!
So who said you only marry once in a lifetime? My first marriage was in June 2002.
Now, after 10 years, with completely different goals, hopes, likes and dislikes. Half the amount of my hair, many more wrinkles, two wonderful daughters and a whole different wardrobe, I choose to marry the same man again. I vow the same love and loyalty as I get a different love and loyalty from him.
How many times will you marry in this lifetime?
